Old Habits & Lost Baggage

  I got my ring back! I guess the gig was a test & I passed? Not sure how I feel about that but at least my hard work is paying off finally, I suppose. Been having cravings the past few days but managing to hold strong. Did get as far as opening a bottle the other day, but it smelled bad & I realised it really wasn't worth it. Everything is finally coming together again & I'm no longer crying on & off every single day, so now really isn't the time to heck everything up. Have another gig this week, think I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm pretty surprised I've made it to seven weeks & only had one pint in that time. The more sober time banked, the less worth it having a drink seems.

  On Monday I went to my first gig in about 2 years, which was a very strange experience. Especially since I ususally drink a lot at concerts. I will admit I did have one beer, but I didn't even enjoy it. Did beer always taste that bad? Definitely not counting it as a relapse though as it wasn't, it was an appropriate time to have a beer. IMO it's not a relapse if it's controlled and within normal drinking amounts, and it's not like I was drinking to get drunk. That said, I didn't enjoy the gig as much as I usually would. Hard to tell how much of that was due to not being drunk and how much was due to feeling disgustingly uncomfortable being crammed into a packed room with other people touching me after a year and a half staying as far away from other people as possible (I've always hated being close to other people anyway tbh as it makes me anxious!). Have another gig in a few weeks, we're going with more people so don't know if I'll feel awkwar...

Officially over a month alcohol free, but it's really taking its toll on me this. I'm too depressed to do anything, so I'm just bored. And finally starting to get cravings because of that. Can't stop crying today. Just feel like I have nothing to live for as I lost everything I had. My mum kept sending me stuff about a wedding fayre that's happening today, and it's just absolutely crushed me. She KNOWS I'm not engaged anymore, and doesn't take a genius to figure out I might be a little upset about the fact. When in reality I'm actually heading back towards suicidal because of it. So yeah. I'm so fucking miserable and don't really see the point in anything, including sobriety. He's bound to leave me at some point anyway, what's the point? I'm just delaying the inevitable. That said, I'm still not going to drink. I'd love to, as I'd at least get that initial burst of happiness from it and motivation to actually do someth...

  I've been having a hard time with my mental health recently, mostly with trying to wrap my head around what's even going on. So just going to vomit out my jumbled thoughts here. I've been on antidepressants for about half a year I think, and since quitting drinking I can definitely feel that they're working. I still feel like shit most of the time, but I'm guessing that's just reactionary? I've been crying a lot, feeling super insecure and paranoid, but also feeling like a completely different person at the same time. I've felt happier generally, and doing things like humming to myself (in a tuneful way, unlike my anxiety hum). I even get occasional bursts of energy which I was worried about at first, but when I think about it, wasn't I like that before depression? It's just wild to think about because I was a child then, is this who I should have been for the last two decades? The insecurity is pretty easy to pin down, that's due to the di...

 As of yesterday, I have officially avoided alcohol for two whole weeks. I have somewhat conflicted feelings about this as on the one hand, it isn't that much time so is it really an accomplishment? Especially when it hasn't been all too difficult yet. But I feel somewhat proud nonetheless despite the shame of having to do so in the first place. Things are improving slowly. My partner went from literally moving time off work so that he could move out to agreeing to give us another go since I "seem serious" about it. While I'm relieved it has put a lot of extra stress on me over the past couple weeks, and I've still been crying fairly frequently. But not all hope is lost! So that's something. Still unsure whether I should sell my wedding dress or not though as I suppose we aren't engaged anymore. I suppose if I end up needing the money then I will, which is sad. Hoping to save a little more money now that I've cut from buying alcohol every day to bu...

It's been years since I last wrote a blog post, so this is a strange feeling for me. However, I'm hoping it will be a useful tool for me as I progress with recovery. Credit: Nathan W. Pyle  So...my name is Abbey. I am 30. And I am choosing sobriety, or at least that is the goal. I've been reading a lot of Reddit posts about the experiences of others, and saw a few users mention that it can be helpful to keep a log, so that's what I'm trying to do. I used to drink until blackout pretty much every night. Obviously this impacted on my life in several ways, including being on a last warning for lateness at my job and, the biggest motivating factor, my ex-fiancé kicking me out. While I'm back in the flat now and we're on speaking terms, I don't really know where we stand. I'm pretty sure he was all set to break everything off for good the last time I drank (and lied about how much I'd had ...sober me doesn't lie). But now he's undecided since ...