Mental Health

 I've been having a hard time with my mental health recently, mostly with trying to wrap my head around what's even going on. So just going to vomit out my jumbled thoughts here.

I've been on antidepressants for about half a year I think, and since quitting drinking I can definitely feel that they're working. I still feel like shit most of the time, but I'm guessing that's just reactionary? I've been crying a lot, feeling super insecure and paranoid, but also feeling like a completely different person at the same time. I've felt happier generally, and doing things like humming to myself (in a tuneful way, unlike my anxiety hum). I even get occasional bursts of energy which I was worried about at first, but when I think about it, wasn't I like that before depression? It's just wild to think about because I was a child then, is this who I should have been for the last two decades?

The insecurity is pretty easy to pin down, that's due to the disaster that is my love life. Today he dropped the bomb that he's been super unhappy recently (which was pretty noticeable), and that he wasn't sure if it was work or me that had been making him miserable. That was a pretty big knock to my already struggling mental health, as I've been having frequent breakdowns as the thought that he could just leave at any moment is running through my head pretty much constantly. Turns out he's pretty sure it's because of work...but I didn't need to know all that. It hurt. I could do without my insecurity being confirmed as not pure paranoia.

Needless to say, I've been finding this week a little harder, although I still haven't had a drink. Work has been stressful with staff absences which has moved my shifts around which makes me anxious. The weather has been nice, I would just love to sit in a beer garden with a pint just to get away from everything for a bit!

This weekend is the bank holiday, which I'm absolutely dreading. He wants us to go across to the pub for their live music and whatnot, but being in a crowded place with a crappy band playing when everybody else will be getting drunk, and not being allowed to have a single drink...my idea of hell. I will probably be grumpy but I'll try.

I would like to be allowed to drink socially. It's been so easy to not drink at all, I don't see why it should be a problem? If it turns into a slippery slope, then fair, I'll stop. My 'failures' previously were because I wasn't trying, I wasn't ready. I feel comfortable enough to try now. The habit of drinking every night at home (which was the problem) has been broken, and I'm quite happy having an alcohol free beer to wind down with instead. Not drinking when out is very different...but hey ho.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Fail?

Sooo I went to a big concert on Wednesday. I gave myself the night off sobriety as planned, and fiancé is now insisting never again as I drank too much...but not enough to not be able to consent apparently *shrug* As far as I'm concerned, that's completely normal for a gig? I had a really fun time, wasn't stuck dissociating in a room packed with people like I would have been otherwise. I could actually sing & dance. And yeah, it's not ideal, but that doesn't feel like a relapse to me? It was one night and I have no desire to drink again until the next big event. My goal isn't never drinking again, and it never has been. If I wasn't being controlled I probably would have taken it a little easier to be honest. I've always been a person to rebel if I feel controlled. But I don't even feel like I did? I don't know. I don't get the point in restarting my sobriety count still. I don't count that as a relapse, and honestly I don't really...
Read more

Seven Weeks

  I got my ring back! I guess the gig was a test & I passed? Not sure how I feel about that but at least my hard work is paying off finally, I suppose. Been having cravings the past few days but managing to hold strong. Did get as far as opening a bottle the other day, but it smelled bad & I realised it really wasn't worth it. Everything is finally coming together again & I'm no longer crying on & off every single day, so now really isn't the time to heck everything up. Have another gig this week, think I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm pretty surprised I've made it to seven weeks & only had one pint in that time. The more sober time banked, the less worth it having a drink seems.
Read more

A New Start

Image
It's been years since I last wrote a blog post, so this is a strange feeling for me. However, I'm hoping it will be a useful tool for me as I progress with recovery. Credit: Nathan W. Pyle  So...my name is Abbey. I am 30. And I am choosing sobriety, or at least that is the goal. I've been reading a lot of Reddit posts about the experiences of others, and saw a few users mention that it can be helpful to keep a log, so that's what I'm trying to do. I used to drink until blackout pretty much every night. Obviously this impacted on my life in several ways, including being on a last warning for lateness at my job and, the biggest motivating factor, my ex-fiancé kicking me out. While I'm back in the flat now and we're on speaking terms, I don't really know where we stand. I'm pretty sure he was all set to break everything off for good the last time I drank (and lied about how much I'd had ...sober me doesn't lie). But now he's undecided since ...
Read more