Old Habits & Lost Baggage

Sooo I went to a big concert on Wednesday. I gave myself the night off sobriety as planned, and fiancé is now insisting never again as I drank too much...but not enough to not be able to consent apparently *shrug* As far as I'm concerned, that's completely normal for a gig? I had a really fun time, wasn't stuck dissociating in a room packed with people like I would have been otherwise. I could actually sing & dance. And yeah, it's not ideal, but that doesn't feel like a relapse to me? It was one night and I have no desire to drink again until the next big event. My goal isn't never drinking again, and it never has been. If I wasn't being controlled I probably would have taken it a little easier to be honest. I've always been a person to rebel if I feel controlled. But I don't even feel like I did? I don't know. I don't get the point in restarting my sobriety count still. I don't count that as a relapse, and honestly I don't really...

  I got my ring back! I guess the gig was a test & I passed? Not sure how I feel about that but at least my hard work is paying off finally, I suppose. Been having cravings the past few days but managing to hold strong. Did get as far as opening a bottle the other day, but it smelled bad & I realised it really wasn't worth it. Everything is finally coming together again & I'm no longer crying on & off every single day, so now really isn't the time to heck everything up. Have another gig this week, think I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm pretty surprised I've made it to seven weeks & only had one pint in that time. The more sober time banked, the less worth it having a drink seems.

  On Monday I went to my first gig in about 2 years, which was a very strange experience. Especially since I ususally drink a lot at concerts. I will admit I did have one beer, but I didn't even enjoy it. Did beer always taste that bad? Definitely not counting it as a relapse though as it wasn't, it was an appropriate time to have a beer. IMO it's not a relapse if it's controlled and within normal drinking amounts, and it's not like I was drinking to get drunk. That said, I didn't enjoy the gig as much as I usually would. Hard to tell how much of that was due to not being drunk and how much was due to feeling disgustingly uncomfortable being crammed into a packed room with other people touching me after a year and a half staying as far away from other people as possible (I've always hated being close to other people anyway tbh as it makes me anxious!). Have another gig in a few weeks, we're going with more people so don't know if I'll feel awkwar...

Officially over a month alcohol free, but it's really taking its toll on me this. I'm too depressed to do anything, so I'm just bored. And finally starting to get cravings because of that. Can't stop crying today. Just feel like I have nothing to live for as I lost everything I had. My mum kept sending me stuff about a wedding fayre that's happening today, and it's just absolutely crushed me. She KNOWS I'm not engaged anymore, and doesn't take a genius to figure out I might be a little upset about the fact. When in reality I'm actually heading back towards suicidal because of it. So yeah. I'm so fucking miserable and don't really see the point in anything, including sobriety. He's bound to leave me at some point anyway, what's the point? I'm just delaying the inevitable. That said, I'm still not going to drink. I'd love to, as I'd at least get that initial burst of happiness from it and motivation to actually do someth...